So, if someone asked you, "What did you do this summer?", what would you say? I would say, I played with a whole bunch of Mexican sailors, dealt with more tourists than I ever would have thought possible, and fell in love with a Mormon.

I know. I know. Who'd have thunk it? I certainly would have been the last one to expect this to happen. Whenever I move or go to a new place, I always hope that I will meet someone interesting, but I never actually expect to. And I REALLY don't expect to find someone really, REALLY interesting, like I managed to find this summer, in my little friend Seth. And when I find this interesting person, I don't expect him to be MORMON. But this supposed summer romance managed to spin out of my control, and his control, and take on a life of its own.

And he's probably as equally surprised as me that I'm NOT Mormon and I am that he is. It's kind of a funny situation. I enjoy the irony. The religion thing isn't really a big issue. At least, it doesn't bother me at all. And what's funny is the only reason he left Alaska with any shred of his virtue intact (a small shred, but shred none the less) is because of me, because if it had been up to him, we would have done the deed a long time ago. The fact that he's Mormon doesn't bother me at all, but I worry a bit that my NOT being Mormon is an issue for him. I know it is an issue. I just wonder how big of an issue.

I never intended this whole to thing to get serious, but somehow along the way, it did. What this means in my life right now I don't really know. I really hate the long distance relationship thing. I always scoff at people in long distance relationships, saying baah, they can never make that work. But that's not entirely true. A lot of them don't work, but not all of them fail. I shouldn't just automatically think the worst. And I don't. I'm not really sure where our relationship stands right now. I don't know exactly if we're together, or not, or what, but I do know that we care about each other a lot. Seth already left Alaska about two weeks ago, and it's been a hard two weeks. This whole situation is kind of driving me insane, but there's nothing I can really do about it at the moment.

All I do know is that Seth lives in Salt Lake City, and I live in Yosemite. Oh yea. I got a job working at a lodge in Yosemite for the winter. It's going to be super-sweet. The place looks really cool, the management seems down to earth, and I think it's going to be a really great experience. Maybe I'll learn to snowshoe. Or downhill ski. Or both. Hopefully both. And hey, if anybody wants to go on a trip to Yosemite, come on down!

So I'm glad to have that worked out. Now I just need to work on applying to grad school. Gagh.

At least I'm keeping my life interesting.

Hi, Seth. How are you? I am good. I am here at home, waiting to go to work. Still in my pajamas. I just ate scrambled eggs for breakfast. I used the eggs and cheese and stuff that we bought together. I used the tomatoes that you sliced and I was thinking, "Seth cut these tomatoes. They're good still. He reallly hasn't been gone very long at all." But it sure seems like it. I sort of had to eat them, or throw them away, because I couldn't have them hanging around. It's too much of a reminder. Not that I want to forget, it's just that something like that..it just really makes me upset for some reason. I really don't understand myself sometimes.

I don't really know what the point of this email is. I've just been thinking about you. Well, I think about you all the time. And I was just going to try to put some of my feelings into words I guess. This is really more a journal entry than a letter to you directly..I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling.

See, now, even in writing this letter, I've started crying again. I'm surprised at myself that even after this time the sadness is still that close to the surface. But apparently it is. I just..I don't know. I'm really scared right now, because I don' know what is going to happen. I am in a position where I could get hurt really, really badly, and I hate the fact that I am that vulnerable. I mean I've told you before how I like to be totally independent and self-sufficient and not require anybody or anything else to maintain my own happiness and satisfaction, but the truth is that is just not the case. But I hate the fact that right now my well-being depends on what another human being does. I'm just really confused by the situation. I mean, I don't know if we're together, or not together, whether we're going to stay in close contact or not. I do know that we love each other but I'm not sure if that's going to last or not..though I would like it to..but who knows what will happen?? I hate that feeling of not knowing. I hate not being able to define what we are doing here. And this is not a plea for you to define it, that's not what I'm saying at all. We CAN'T define it, yet, and that's what bugs me. I mean, we can't at least for a while yet, at the least until I move and see what that situation is like, and then we'll maybe have an opportunity to redefine our situation. You know what I mean?

I am thinking too much. I am thinking way too freaking much. But this is what I do. This is my process. I can't understand how you can sit there and just miss me and just be there in the moment just missing me and not be worrying about all this other crap! You must know a secret that I don't. I wish I could do that, but I can't. I've never been able to.

I hate the fact that, I mean, we're talking on the phone and then we're like, oh yea remember the time when we went to the grocery store, or, remember when we were in the car..or whatever it is, and we talk about this thing we did together in the past, just recently in the past..and I think, we're not making any new memories together anymore. Your life now is completely and totally separated from mine. They don't overlap at all. You're building a new life, continuing your life without me, and I'm continuing mine. Course we're not totally without each other, but at least physically we are, in the day to day stuff. And that day to day stuff is so important...

I almost want to be like, fuck it, I'm going to forget all my stupid plans and move to Utah. But no, of course I can't. Of course in reality I don't want to. It's just hard. I hope what I'm doing now ends up to be worth it, that's all. I mean, I know I love you, I know you make me happy, I know I want to be with you. But I DON'T know that I'll manage to apply to graduate school, that if I do apply I'll be accepted, that if I'm accepted I'll get a fellowship, that if I get a fellowship or not, I'll succeed, that if I succeed I'll get a good teaching job, that if I get a good teaching job I'll finally be satisfied, that if I get a teaching job that is satisfying I'll also have a satisfying home-life, that if I hadn't bothered to sacrifice so much for my career, I could have just lived a much simpler but happier and more emotionally satisfying life with you....you know what I mean?

I've probably totally lost you. Like I said, this more of a journal entry than a letter to you. In fact, I think I will post it in my blog. I've been keeping a blog ever since I went to Madrid for the first time; maybe it would be interesting for you to read it. Anyway, I guess I'll still send this email to you too since it is all about you. I hope I don't freak you out with my sudden outpouring of female emotion. I don't know what you will have to say in response either, but I would be interested to know what you think.

I do love you, Seth.

Chloe